MARRIAGE COUNSELING

In Genesis 1 and 2, the creation of the world is described. Scripture details every day’s creation in detail and after the spatial separation of land and seas it is noted that “God saw that it was good.” (1:10) Then, it is regularly noted that God saw it was good after a finished creation (1:12, 18, 21, 25). However, note in Chapter 2:18, God refers to his creation of Adam and says “It is not good that man should be alone,” and wants to make a helper suitable for him. In other words, a partner. She was to be created for him. A big red flag that a marriage is in trouble is when one within the marriage feels lonely, because God created marriage to avoid loneliness.

The word in the King James is “help meet.” The NASB uses “a helper suitable for him.” I would like to point out that a study of the wording here relates a concept of a deep bond. My husband and I had an older friend, Uncle Bullock, who used to tell us stories of being in the war. He told of being in a fox hole with a partner. He said there were no atheists in those holes, everyone prayed to God. Uncle Bullock said you had a trust with your partner in that hole. You fought off the enemy and if someone attacked from behind, your partner had your back. That is the partnership referred to here. This description sets up for a marriage where the partners have each other’s back. One doesn’t go around cutting down their wife or husband. They stand up for them. I have witnessed husbands and wives cutting their spouses down on the church steps. Yes, they would probably say it was jokingly. No. It can lay the ground work for very bitter roots to be planted. You could also put the psych book to it and say usually people joke about deeper feelings. Either way it is not good and shows a red flag to a troubled marriage.

Next, we can look at verse 21 and note that God took a rib bone from Adam to form Eve. In seminary, a professor gave us an assignment to write a wedding ceremony. Several pastors did a wonderful job of relating the rib bone with roles of the husband. They really got in-depth, but I will point out some obvious ones. It wasn’t a head or neck bone which could tell him what to do or a foot bone to be stomped on. It was a rib bone. The rib is located under the shoulder, which relates to the husband being having the role of protector. It’s located at his side because we are partners working together.

In verse 23, Adam states that his isolation or loneliness is over with “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”

Then, God’s decree:

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

This outlines a marriage with two distinct persons, male and female, and shows a union of them. You will hear pastors talk of the leave, cleave and weave. It’s true. The man is to leave his family. I really believe the emphasis here is on the husband being the head of his family. He is responsible for his family. Therefore, he is to break ties with his parents, so they will not try to rule his home. The husband is to cleave to his wife. Notice his wife, not anyone else’s. Cleave as in stick like glue! Then, they shall be as one.

1 + 1 = 1

It takes both the male and the female to reflect the image of God. Yes, there are two different roles. One is not better than the other, but equally as important for this union to work. The man is created to see a really big picture. This is needed to make decisions without being side-tracked with little details. He is created to make decisions using more of the logical reasoning side of his brain. This doesn’t mean he is not emotional. He is just not created with making decisions based on the emotional side. Then, the woman is gifted with a emotional discernment that is really hard to briefly explain. She sees details, lots of details. She makes decisions using more of an emotional reasoning. But together this is great.

When meeting with a couple I love to relate this truth by asking what they saw when they walked through another room (usually the open kitchen) to the sitting room. The man usually says, “It was the kitchen.” The woman will say things like, “I loved the hutch with the lattice doors that matched the table ahead of the fireplace on the other side of the bar. And where did you get those placemats?”

Now, the husband is the head of the home and ultimately responsible to God. However, when he doesn’t listen to his wife in order to make good decisions he is not appreciating one of God’s greatest gifts to him. You see, if a woman’s heart is seeking God’s Will, she has some good feelers. She is sensitive emotionally to things going on. I have heard Dobson relating this difference. He said he was asking his wife about an idea and if she liked it. She said no. He asked why. She said, “I don’t know, I just don’t.” He said he use to go ahead and do it anyway only to find out after six weeks or six months that it wasn’t a good thing. He said he learned if she didn’t think it was good not to go there. God has designed the husband to see the big picture and the wife sees the details. Together they can make great decisions, but alone – it doesn’t reflect God’s design. An example of this was some years back I was counseling a couple in which the husband considered himself helping or ministering to another couple. The wife had real concerns and saw red flags with it. She did not see it as a good thing. So, even if one thinks it is ministering – if both are not in agreement, it is not ministry.

1 + 1 = 1

Then, comes sin… Let’s check out the consequences of sin. Look at 3:15-19. The first part of the verses I’m sure is familiar. It starts with the foreshadowing picture of Christ in 15. Then, the suffering for women in childbearing. Do you see the “and” that follows “forth children?” There is a semi colon which means there is a continuing of the curse.

“and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

Now, I have heard this preached some strange ways. When the professors went over this verse in the Genesis class and Marriage counseling, I asked why this verse isn’t taught. This is not hard to get an understanding because the same wording is used in the next chapter! In 4:6-7, God asks Cain why is he sad. That if he does well then his fellowship will be restored. BUT if not sin was lying in wait. Then it comes:

“And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.”

Sin tries to manipulate and drive one to follow. And Cain would think he was in control.

The more sin manipulates the blinder one gets until you cannot see correctly.

Now, let’s go back to the curse. The first part of the curse says “and thy desire shall be to thy husband.” This is to the wives. We are going to want to be in control. We are going to manipulate to get it. And we are good at manipulation. I agree we do it because we don’t think the husband does not have our back. This can be selfishness on our part or his part, it can be neglect on his, it can be just ignorance of the God-given roles, but it is sin. It is living under the curse. So, we try to manipulate him and he tries to rule us. The word for rule here is dictate. Marriage is not a dictatorship. I will go to Ephesians and go over the NT Scripture which tries to get us back to God’s plan. It talks about submission. However, submission is not dictated. That is living under the curse. Not God’s plan.

So, no wonder we are tired. We are using those fleshly patterns to get our way. Our way doesn’t work.

Let’s go to Ephesians 5, for instructions from God to return to His plan.

In chapter 5, Paul starts with telling us to be imitators of Christ and walk in love which was a voluntary sacrifice of His. Scripture continues with naming things that are not a part of the kingdom of Christ and that we are different. We are children of light, proving what is right. Then, in verse 17, Paul tells us to be wise and know God’s Will. Verse 18, states to be filled with the Spirit. You see, not all are filled because being filled depends upon one yielding their body to righteousness or God’s Will (Rom 6:13). Our Pastor, Bro. Jonathan, takes verse 18 and asks, “How does one tell a drunk? By the way he walks and talks.” Which definitely relates to the next verse commanding the Saints to speak to each other with songs and making music in one’s heart. He continues with being thankful for all things. Notice the semi colons after verses 18, 19, and 20 in chapter 5 of Eph. It means a continuation. Being filled with the Spirit, a happy heart, thankful and submitting to each other in the fear of God. Realizing we are all answerable to Him. Also, notice the “submitting.” Before we even get to the marriage instructions there is to be submission of believers to each other!

The next verse, is for the wives. Not for the husbands to read to the wives, or hold up to them. This is their instructions. So, wives submit to your OWN husband. Not to another man. Just your man, as unto the Lord. The marriage is a reflection of Christ and the Church/Bride. So, just as we submit to His will because of His love for us and what He did for us, we submit to Him. God didn’t create us to be puppets and submit, nor did He want to dictate us to submit. He wants us to choose to follow Him. This is how God asks us to submit to our husband in everything.

Then, there are instructions just for the husbands. I would like to point out something. In verses 25, 28, and 33 God instructs husbands to love their wives. He did not use these words to the wives. Let me explain. God created us differently. One time I picked up a stray dog on the side of the road. It was hideous. I washed it and fed it. I patted and talked to it. I fell in love with that dog. If a woman takes care and nourishes something, she just loves it. God made us that way. However, the man is given instructions on loving. God says “Husbands, love your wives” as Christ loved the church. Christ died for the church. He gave Himself up for it. This kind of love is a sanctifying love it transforms the relationship into a glorious thing. Again, in verse 28, He tells the husbands to love the wife as they love their own bodies. You eat and clothe and take care of yourself. You meet your physical needs. This is a satisfying love. Lastly, after repeating God’s plan of Gen 2:23, the husband is reminded again to love his wife as himself. There is a semi colon, so the instruction continues with another instruction to the wife of revering her husband.  There is a very good book which takes the last half of verse 33 and elaborates on it. They help one to understand if one loves his wife and she reveres him it creates a continuous circle of good communication.

Suggestion: "Every relationship needs a hero!" How about challenging yourself to be that hero who starts the chain reaction towards a Godly relationship. It's not a tit for tat thing. It is deciding to stop that merry go round and step to higher ground. Be the Hero and do what's right!

Side bar: It amazes me that couples do not value their marriages. They actually put more value in their vehicles. Ask yourself, do you let just anyone drive your vehicle? Of course not, right? So, why are you letting just anything in your marriage? We should guard and protect our marriage relationship. It is very valuable. Definitely more valuable than a car. So, let's act like it. Love, is an action. Love protects and honors this relationship.

Side bar again: One can see why it is so important to not marry unequally yoked. It takes both understanding there is One who is above each of them in Authority. Understanding this, you cannot just argue like you want to, because you’re both answerable to God. The husband cannot just think it’s his way or the highway when he is supposed to be reflecting The One who died for His Bride and was a servant leader. The wife is respectful of her husband, because her marriage relationship is a reflection of Her Lord Jesus Christ and His bride. AND if we had marriages that reflect this within the church, we would have couples beating down our doors to get what we have.

God is the Almighty Creator of All. He is the Creator of Adam and Eve. He created marriage between them, man and woman. As creator, he designed and defined marriage. Within this design, He defined roles for both the man and the woman. This is how His ordained marriage works. These roles are defined differently. One is not better than the other, but they are different according to how He created man and woman. I do not apologize for this. God is the Creator! It's His design. The roles are defined in His Word. God's Word. This is where blessings are. Blessings from God. Not worldly blessing. Blessings from our Lord cannot be bought. I know. God's Blessings are miraculous and only from Him.

Let's look at blessings just for a minute. The book of John is full of instructions for blessings which is also referred to as being happy. So, Christ says "If ye love me, keep my commandments" (John 14:15). Some people look at the Bible as commandments. However, after God gave the ten commandments in the OT in Deuteronomy 6, He explains that the statutes were given "for our good." So, looking at God's Word as instructions for our prosperity is Truth and helpful to our understanding. It is important how one thinks and we can change our thought process. In Philippians, Paul reminds ones who were having conflict in chapter 4, as followers of Christ, they should "be of the same mind in the Lord," "rejoicing in the Lord always," and laying everything at His feet in prayer with thanksgiving. This will give us the peace that passeth all understanding which actually means understanding that there is someone bigger than you and me, who has a plan for us that is for our prosperity. Having that peace, Paul lists the things of the Lord and asks one to "Think on these things." So, we do control our mind. We can decide what to think about. We have to choose. Jeremiah (chap 7) begged the children of God to "Hear the Word of the LORD," and to "Amend your ways and your doings" instead of trusting "in lying words, that cannot profit." If you want the blessings of the LORD there is something to know and something to do.

"If ye know these things, happy are ye if you do them."

John 13:17

As designer of marriage, God defines the roles needed for His ordained institution. If we follow them, marriage works. There is an obstacle, a hardened heart. My prayer for each one in a marriage is:

"May God soften one's heart

and open one's ears to the Truth of God's Word,

so that one may apply it to their life."

There are very distinct roles within the Scriptures. There is a printable copy of my seminary lesson to Dr. Cobb for both roles, which has Scripture references for each. Let's just go briefly over each.

For the husband, there are four main areas: Leader, Initiator, Protector, and Provider.

It's very easy to see the husband is to be the leader of the home. Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 is very straight forward. Now, 1 John 3:16, sets the tone for this leadership:

"Hereby perceive we the love of God,

because he laid down his life for us:

and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren."

This is the instruction to the body of Christ. One first is to have yielded their mind to this understanding. Just as in Ephesians we are in subjection to one another first, then comes the instructions for the wife and husband. So, in order to return to God's original plan before sin entered this world, we have to be in submission to the leadership of God being filled with His Spirit and walking "in Christ," then, and only then, can we follow the roles outlined "in Christ." This is when one is a reflection of Jesus' love!

This does not mean the husband is the Master of the wife, because God is the Master. Remember this would be a part of the curse, operating under dictatorship. Let's apply the old saying that every relationship needs a hero. How great when the leader understands and doesn't operate with the curse of dictating but is a servant leader; doesn't operate with tit for tat, but understand following Christ's example; understanding there are things to be angry with but learning not to sin with our response, etc. I truly know that a godly wife will have no problem submitting to a husband living "in Christ."

An initiator, is one who takes action first. A man living "in Christ," will have no problem understanding that he is to look beyond himself or sacrifice his wants if necessary for the needs of his family. A couple once came to me for counseling who did not communicate well to say the least, but talked at me for a couple of hours with what each thought was wrong. I tried sharing that I was Baptist and didn't believe one needed to confess to anyone other than Christ. They still continued. I tried to explain sin was sin, we just needed to confess and turn away to God's plan. Didn't work. So, finally after the husband said all he hears from his wife was that she needed new flooring. I looked at him and asked, "Does she need new floors?" He was stunned and said, "Well, yes." It gave me a opening to tell him as a husband he is to the initiator in his family. If his wife needed something in order to operate as a home for his family, it was his job to initiate it. Which, in turn led, to a discussion of God's plan for marriage.

Starting with Genesis, one can see the husband is to be the protector. After God took a rib from Adam, he describes this as being a "bone of my bones." He also was given instructions to leave his parents home and make his own. The parent's home carries the idea of their protection and leadership. Of course, in 1 Pet 3:7, Scripture defines the woman as the weaker vessel. So, the husband is the one given the responsibility of protecting his wife, his home. This is why it is so important to be conversing with her in order to here who is in her life and what is going on. He wants the best for her. He wants safe relationships for her.

The last role is provider. I know this can be much debated. For their are wives who make more than their husbands. There are also wives who are the one bringing in the paycheck because the husband is not able. However, God still defines the husband as responsible for being the provider. It is still his responsibility. Another way to put it is he is still the one answerable to Christ. So, still applying all his roles to making sure it's the best for his family.

Scripture even points to one being an "infidel" and has "denied the faith" if he doesn't "provide" for his own (1 Tim 5:8).

For the wife, Gen. 2 describes her as "helper fit for him." She is his completer. She has his back. She is to help him be all he can be "in Christ." We can understand the husband as the head of the family, but we work together with him to glorify God. We can discuss decisions to be made, giving all our concerns and feelings, but understanding he is to answer for the decision. It helps to talk it out. Sometimes when I say something out loud it can instantly register as sounding selfish, or manipulative, or just wrong, but it also can shine light on an area our husband hasn't thought about. How about ending the discussion with, "I know you will make the best decision for our family."

One of our roles as responder, can definitely ruffle some feathers. The wife grasps the unique responsibility of responding to her husband. I love how Sara even calls Abraham Lord within Scripture. There is a high regard for respect, which actually answers a God-given need within man. He needs to be honored and respected. Wives are to use their unique God-given abilities to love and respect her husband. When we were first married, I would get up and iron Daryl's socks on cold morning. Even coming back to the bed and putting them on for him. I wanted him to know that I was there for him. In Revelation, there was a church who was told they had forgotten their first love. What was it referring to? They had stopped doing the things one did when they were first in love.

The nurturer is another role that is just God-given to a woman's make-up. A man can learn these traits, and it is very helpful, but it is a God-given part of a woman. It is our job to provide a home, not just a home but a haven, for our man. Not a place of tension, but a place of safety and rest. We have the gift of details and of feeling things. Well, this is where one truly uses those talents to make a home full of details to make one feel at home.

The wife acts as supporter to her husband. Not anyone else's, but her own man. She doesn't hurt her husband reputation, she is a supporter of it. She is not jealous of him, she honors him with her actions, words, and even looks. There are actions, words and looks that are just her husband's and not for any other man. There are actions she does just for her man. There are words just for her man. There are even looks just for her own man. Have you ever had a job in which others did not allow you to do it? It's so frustrating. So, within this supporter role is also the idea of supporting one's husband with allowing him to do his role too. Sometimes we pick up his role thinking he doesn't have our backs. However, their is a higher one who does. Let us just remain in our role, so God can do His job.

Together, these roles reflect the image of God.

When my son was getting married, we had always wanted more children just unable to have them, so we told him he was choosing our daughter. We also thought this was good ground work for their marriage and our relationship with them both. Then, believe it or not, God allowed us to adopt and young lady in our church who needed a family. So, when Easter came we would go dress shopping. I would buy a dress for both back then. One was very lively and bright and the other was reserved and loved gray. When we got to the store, I would set down the rule. If I was buying, then we both had to like the dress. Oh man, when they would come out with one they just loved and I said no to, they were so pouty. Then, I would like one and they would say it looked like an old maid. However, they would finally come out with one we both agreed upon. AND I would have to say, it was the best. So, together we finally arrived. Sharing just to say, it takes both leaving, cleaving, and weaving together to make a marriage after God's plan.

Communication is usually a subject in which all are in agreement with needing help in. Some will say that others are just gifted in that area. I do not agree with that. I would say some have worked on their communication skills and allowed them to grow.

Words are powerful. I use an exercise from Heritage Builders which allow hands on object lessons for children and youth on using their words. First, the teacher offers a reward for the winner of the next exercise. I will ask my husband for twenty dollars. He has pulled out his wallet and said, "I don't have a twenty, but I have a hundred," and he lays it on the table. Then, I give each one a tube of toothpaste, Dollar Tree has them for $1. Then, we give them a paper plate and ask them to squeeze out all the toothpaste. They really try hard to get it all out because they want the money. Then, we ask them to get every drop back in the tube.

It's messy. Which works with the thought! Words once spoken cannot be taken back.

So, it matters what we say. Scripture teaches our words are suppose to loving and encouraging.

Communication is also trying because there are so many ways to speak. There are things you want to say; there are things you said; there are things another heard which could or could not be what you wanted them to hear; and things you thought you heard them say about what you said; etc. So, we have to break through a lot of barriers in order to get to the real message.

There are books listed that are great tools. The Love & Respect take Eph 5:33 and elaborate and the husband loving the wife along with the wife respecting the husband. There is even a short version for those who do not like to read with one page applications.

The quickest way I have found when counseling is by using the "Flashlight" technique. I did get this technique from somewhere, but right now it does not come to me where. So, I will tell you how to do this:

Get a flashlight. (I pick up the ones at the hardware store for a dollar that goes on your key chain to give out.) Then, you give the flashlight to one of the two. Set the rules as when one has the flashlight and turns it on, that one states all he or she wants to say about the topic under discussion. When the light is on the other one cannot speak. Then, they turn the light off and hand it to the other. The other receives the light, turns it on, and repeats what they heard the other one say and adds what they want to say on the subject. Then, turns it off and hands it back to the first one. The first one then turns on the light and repeats what they heard the other saying and all that they want to add, and so forth. This really stops the misunderstandings. It really even works with teenagers! This practice takes away the hollering, corrects the tones used, corrects how one hears, etc. After using this for awhile, the barriers are reduced and one can start speaking each other's language. As they participate, they are learning to listen, speak and trust again.

Another tool I use is one I give for everyday homework. Different authors have different derivatives and different names for it. We will call it Table Time just because use work into using it at the table a lot. The concept of this exercise is keeping up with your spouse and can be extended to your whole family. There are plenty of studies out about having less trouble with teens who eat supper as a family more times than not during the week. There are plenty of marriage books relating about taking a certain time, whether 30 minutes to an hour, everyday to ask your spouse how their day went. I use a form of this to teach the husband about listening for the needs of his wife. It can be at the table, it can be taking a time to sit in their recliners or on the couch, and/or it can be when you lay down in the bed at night. Just take the time. Purposely take time to sit down together as a couple and ask each other how their day went. Husbands, after you ask your wife and she answers, ask, "And how does that make you feel?" Usually, most of the time they do not want you to fix it (which is your normal response to a problem), they just want you to listen. Wives honor your husband with asking the question and truly being interested in his answer (interested enough to wait on it). We actually use this time to here if there are any relationships that are developing which would not be good for the spouse. We are definitely looking for red flags to wrong relationships. We are partners working together to sharpen each other. If you have to use the flashlight tool at first, grab it.

Let's add one last tool for jump starting communicating better. We will call this finding a "Password." We have passwords for all kinds of things today. The couple needs to get together and come up with a password. Try to choose a word you do not use often. Examples can be flower, sunshine, ballroom, etc. Doesn't really matter as long as you both agree upon it. There are times when one brings up a subject and the other spouse knows the subject just makes their blood boil. So, the password is to be spoken by that spouse in order for them to go cool down and return later for discussion. This is not a pass. Just a password for a little while. One does return when they have cooled down to discuss this issue with their spouse.

This is an object lesson which I use to explain how to meet each other's needs for feeling loved. Of course, I really recommend reading The 5 Love Languages. I believe Chapman uses "Love Tank." There are others who refer to the "Love Bank." Generally, the same concept. This concept points to everyone having a piggy bank of love within. Just like in real life with a piggy bank, you can make deposits, withdrawals, or take a hammer and break the bank.

First, I take coins and place them around the bank. Then, I ask the husband or the wife to tell me something they do to show their spouse how much they love them. After they name one thing, I turn to the other one and ask for them to place a value, from a penny to a quarter, on the action naming its worth to them for showing love. If the action really makes them feel loved it is worth a quarter, if it is just so so it is only worth a penny. Then, I ask the other partner to share something they do to show love for their significant other. Following up with the significant other evaluating its worth. Then, I ask the husband or the wife to share something the other one does that makes them feel loved and go ahead and place a coin value on it while they place it in the bank. Followed up by the other spouse doing the same.

Usually, most always, I have to explain the truth of everyone having different love languages. This means different actions makes one feel loved. Chapman categorizes these actions into five groups: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. The problem is that most people do their own love language - not taking the time to figure out what language the other person has. I often share my husband's giving me a really great card on Valentine's Day. He even dates them. On the other hand, I usually spend the whole day making a heart shaped cake with chocolate roses on it, then fixing a special supper. Not realizing it, I could have bought a card and wrote some words of affirmation and he could have vacuumed the floor! BUT the way we were doing it, we were missing each other's language. The piggy bank shows how much the couples did not know about making the other feel loved.

After this concept is absorbed and discussed to find the right actions, we then discuss what some withdrawal actions are. " What makes withdrawals out of your bank?" is asked and discussed. Then, finally, we discuss what just breaks the bank. There are actions call for a break in the relationship. These definitely need to be figured out and addressed. Most of us can understand we need to make deposits and not withdrawals. However, in struggling relationships, we have to get a grip on the bank busters. These are actions are toxic to the relationship. These just break the bank. No love left. These need to be identified and addressed as bank busters. If you know there is a bank buster, you don't go there. It is not doing tit for tat, it is being real. We should be in agreement to trying to make the relationship work, therefore, one should want these identified and acknowledge. Both should identify and then both work towards never breaking the bank. If not, one can use boundaries to try to take steps towards eliminating the toxic actions. No one should be in a toxic relationship. If one is a true partner, we would not want our partner to be in a toxic relationship. No excuse for breaking the bank.

I know this seems a little silly to actually be working with a piggy bank, but whether you actually use the piggy bank or not is your choice. However, it is an important step to realize one needs to seek actions which make one feel loved. For the word love in the Bible is not a noun, it is actually a verb. It is things we do. Actions! This is why when someone shares with me that they are no longer in love with their spouse, it doesn't shake me. It does point to the fact the marriage lacks one or both doing actions of their first love. We take the time to figure out how to make another feel loved when we are dating. This continues to be important for the feeling of "love" to stay in the relationship.

Let’s discover what boundaries are and how helpful they are!

Boundaries are necessary for any and all relationships. When Daryl and I were first married, we were young, but we set two rules for our relationship right off. The first was to never believe anything from anyone until we got together and discussed it. The next was not to go to lunch with someone else of the opposite sex alone. Now, we didn’t realize these were called boundaries or guidelines, etc. We did know they would help us not to lose focus and reduce the possibility of opening a door of temptation in a certain area of our lives. They were for protection. Being young, there were those who did not care or were unaware of causing issues in our relationship, and we both worked in offices with the opposite sex. We have added to these through the years as we learn and grow.

Boundaries of this type, are regarded as guidelines for our daily lives. They help us protect ourselves against temptation and are great for keeping us focused on purposely living for Him. Every couple would benefit with sitting down and agreeing on some personal guidelines for their relationship. These guidelines need to be unique to their relationship. God has gifted each of us with spiritual gifts and unique personalities. Both of these are useful for kingdom living, but also need boundaries for protecting these gifts. An example would be a person with the gift of mercy needing guidelines for ministering to others, in order to not be side-swiped with someone taking advantage of the situation. Or someone who is very outgoing needing guidelines to make sure their behavior did not reflect flirting within their spouse’s eyes along with the eyes of others.

When one develops guidelines within their marriage relationship and learn how they work, it benefits all other relationships in their lives. When we allowed a young lady into our home, whom we did not know personally, it was such a blessing to have counseling education which helped us set up boundaries and guidelines for the relationship, so it could be for God’s glory. These helped both sides make everyday choices which would guide the relationship into a godly one. It led to us asking her if she would like to be a part of our family, which she really already was, but could be in name too. Which led to us finding a sticky note on the kitchen bar one morning saying she wanted to be our daughter.

Another type of boundary is one which stops one from becoming an enabler of another’s bad behavior. There is a statement within counseling which suggests we teach others how to treat us. We don’t change others, but we don’t have to participate in relationships that are not safe for us either. All relationships need boundaries, but some need special or unique boundaries to that particular relationship in order for it not to enable bad behavior.

Sometimes this behavior can sneak up on us and develop through the years into a monster. Let’s use a counseling example I had years ago. An older individual in a marriage relationship came to me for counseling. As always, I relate my relationship with the Lord and why I received a Master’s in Biblical Counseling. Then, I ask how can I help you? This spouse started relating how the other spouse related to everyone else around them in a loving, kind way, but just treats and “speaks to me like a dog.” What followed was an hour of the spouse’s examples. Then, finally the question was addressed to me, “Why does my spouse do this?” The answer is, “Because he/she can.” One can get into an enabling role because they are non-confrontational, low in self-esteem, or just wanting their marriage to work no matter what. One is not realizing they are enabling bad behavior to continue. As children of God, we are on a journey to become more and more like Jesus. As Christians in a married relationship, we are on a journey as partners who should be helping each other become more Christ-like as “Iron sharpeneth iron” (Prov 27:17).

There are plenty of Scripture references which points out man may think his ways are right, “Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the LORD pondereth the hearts” (Prov 21:2).

Especially, if another has enabled their bad behavior. Then, their eyes become blind to the Truth:

“The backslider in heart shall be filled with his own ways: and a good man shall be satisfied from himself.” (Prov. 14:14)

The backslider actually thinks he is alright not as the good man who is content as Paul in Phil 4:11 with following God. They are not in the same state. The backslider is in a self-centered state. One does have to be careful when trying to correct this behavior. Because when others feel we are being critical, they will take it that we are ungrateful for what they are doing. This makes conflict a likely hood. So, one has to not be in a critical mood, or operating with selfish motives, but having a true heart turned towards God trying to encourage and lift up. Remembering:

“There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health” (Prov 12:18).

So, we are supposed to be sharpening each other, but not stabbing. If we use wisdom and give instructions it produces healing. Of course, being a counselor, I would add:

“Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory.” (Prov. 11:14)

So, all that to endorse the understanding that one is his brother’s keeper in the fact that we do not allow continued sinful behavior without some kind of help. Therefore, with a heart after Christ, one has to set boundaries in relationships with harmful behaviors for protection against such behaviors.

The first step is to put it in a sentence by identifying the sinful behavior along with the feelings it creates:

Ex. When you do ____(hurtful action)____,

it really makes me feel ___(word describing emotion)___.

The next step is to make a boundary.

Ex. So, the next time you do this I will _____(boundary)_____.

It is helpful to start with a small boundary, something you know you can enforce. So, the first time boundary would not be “the next time you do this I will get a divorce.” One could start with next time you do this I will point it out to you out loud or if it is when someone calls you I will hang up. Draw lines you can hold, then build from there.

I will add that if someone enables for a time, it usually hints to a co-dependency existing which they do not know about or understand. So, there are boundary books listed below for further understanding. I really use the “Marriage Boundary” book a lot. I also use “Love Is a Choice” book for pointing out codependency.

Sidebar:

There is a study out teaching about boundaries which uses the term guardrails. The idea is like the guardrails on a road which keeps you from hitting the ditch. I do like the analogy because of the idea one uses small changes to keep one on the right road through life. One compares this to driving down the highway and how one keeps a car on the highway is with small turns of the steering wheel. It is not drastic turns. Well, the guardrail idea also endorses this with adding barriers/boundaries which guards one from falling into temptations. The book is by Andy Stanley, there are a couple of doctrine issues I have concern within the study, but the idea might help one understand the concept of boundaries better.

To understand forgiveness, let us refer to Matt 18: 21-35. Peter asked Jesus about how many times one is suppose to forgive a brother. Jesus’ answer pointed to forgiving an uncountable amount of times. Then, related a story about a king. Jesus tells about this king wanted to settle his accounts with his servants. One owed him so much there was no way for him to repay it. King James version actually notes this as $52,800,000 if it was silver! So the King commanded that he be sold along with his wife and children in order to make payment on the debt. Well, the servant fell down and worshipped the king and begged for “patience” on the king’s part. The king was moved and “forgave” him the debt. The same servant went and found someone who owed him (KJ references it to be $44), but the fellow-servant couldn’t pay and he also begged for “patience.” However, the servant threw him in debtors prison. Well, the other servants were shocked and told their “lord” about it. He summoned him. He told him that he forgave him all his debt and yet he had no mercy for his fellow servant! This angered the lord and he turned him over to torturers until he could repay. Then, Jesus relates this to our Heavenly Father will do the same for us if we cannot for our brothers “from your heart.” I love to emphasize the last because remember if we accept Christ we are a new creature. We have a new heart. New motives and attitudes which are to bring Him glory.

So, what was the problem. The king’s idea of forgiveness was definitely different than the servant’s. Remember the servant asked for “patience.” This was referring to giving him more time to gather money to pay on his debt. However, the king’s word for “forgave” refers to being released from the debt. It was like it was paid in full. The servant’s lack of understanding forgiveness resulted in his being turned over to the torturers.

When someone wrongs us, we sort of keep a tab. We hold a receipt to how much they owe us to right the wrong done. However, Jesus was saying we are to just forgive that debt. Let it go. Mentally take a note that they owe us nothing and the debt if paid. We forgive. Isn’t that what God has done for us. He asks us to do the same for our brother. I realize it isn’t going to feel right. Doesn’t matter. This is a case of counseling 101. You do the actions and the emotions will get in line and follow. We are to follow TRUTH not emotions. David says our heart is wicked and not to be trusted. If we don’t follow Jesus’ instruction, roots of bitterness are planted within our hearts hardening them to Truth. If one needs to write the wrongs down on a piece of paper and speak out loud the debt is paid. Do it. Then, tear up that paper and throw it away. Yes, you probably will have to remind yourself that you said it was gone. That’s ok. It will get easier and easier. Remember Actions first, then the Emotions will follow.

We forgive, not for the other necessarily but for our own good. So our hearts are not changed and so we can bring glory to our Lord. How cool to be able to answer a call even years later when someone asks for forgiveness and your able to say “Oh, I forgave that years ago.”

We have to grow our trust in our Lord. We forgive others, because He has our backs. Remembering Scripture teaching that we are to love our enemies. Anyone can love those who treat him with love, but Christians are to show the love of Christ by loving those who are our enemies.

Simply put, one just has prayer with Jesus. I love the idea of placing two chairs facing each other, I use it often, and mentally placing the one who has wronged you in one while you sit in the other. Begin, by out loud talking to Jesus. Let Him know your fears, disappointments and hurts. Then, let him know how much you love Him for forgiving you and that you will forgive others as He commands. Then, one by one, mentally place those in the chair ahead of you and speak the wrong you endured. Then, say “As Jesus forgives me so I forgive you. No debt owed.”

This is hard, but transforming. I have witnessed a man working through Charles Stanley’s Forgiveness instructions in chapter 8 of his book and forgiving his mother. With a big smile he told me how he could hug her neck now and tell her he loved her. To God be the Glory.

It really matters. We should constantly be aware of guarding our hearts from becoming hardened by constantly forgiving those who wrong us.

There is a forgiveness worksheet found in Granny's Pantry to help assist in this process.

This is a topic I get asked about quite a lot.

We will address it according to Scripture, of course.

Everyone would like great sex, right? Well, then we need to get the creator of sex for His instructions. Let’s turn to 1 Corinthians 7. Remember, Corinthians is written to address problems within the church. Paul was actually addressing certain issues which were sent to him in a letter. So, one can grasp there seems to be a problem with some thinking it was not alright to stay single, or it was better (more pious) to stay single. Either way he addresses it being alright for a man not to marry (which included the bond of sexual intercourse because of the word “touch”). Notice it is identified as man marrying a woman. God’s definition. He continues with “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication,” which gives a reason for marrying. Then,

“let every man have his own wife,

and let every woman have her own husband.”

So, the first step of a sexual relationship is having your OWN woman and having your OWN man. There is actually an activity I ask the married couple to participate in when we read these Scriptures. The husband and wife face each other. Then, the husband looks into the wife’s eyes and tell her “You are my woman.” I ask him to repeat this three times. Then, I ask the wife to look into the husband’s eyes and tell him “You are my man.” I ask her to repeat this three times. Then, I ask them to tell me how that makes them feel. I know you are thinking this is just silly, but it actually works in getting the feeling of ownership within the relationship going.

Next, Scripture states:

“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence:

and likewise also the wife unto the husband.”

This is definitely referring to the role of sex within the marital relationship. Point blank it is referring to sexual abstinence as not being good for the married couple. When there is a marriage relationship sexual relations is actually DUE. So, when the wife puts off her husband with the old phrase, “Not tonight, I have a headache,” she actually is sinning. It not only is a sin for lying, there is another which involves the bond between husband and wife which is also a reflection of Christ and the Church.

Ryrie actually calls this “due benevolence,” as suggesting that each partner has rights of his or her own and debts to the other. In the NASB, it states it this way:

“The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.”

Let’s continue, it gets even better:

“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband:

and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body but the wife.”

The NASB version actually uses authority for power. This carries the meaning that the wife uses her body for the husband’s pleasure not selfishly for her own. And her husband uses his body to please his woman’s body and not for his own pleasure. This is referring to a sexual relationship where each seeks to satisfy the other not just making sure their own self is satisfied. This is God’s plan, insuring sexual pleasure for both. However, it is not self-seeking pleasure. This is how it is supposed to be!

Scripture continues:

“Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

One cannot suggest abstinence without the other’s full agreement. (And I haven’t found a man in agreement with this.) Then, if you both agree there is further instruction on this. It has to be for fasting and prayer for a short time only, so one cannot be open for a sexual temptation. This is a warning that goes with this action.

Remember, for this to be addressed there was a particular problem Paul was addressing. It is known that some women within the Corinthian Church were trying to act a certain way in order to appear more pious than others. Within their thought was this particular thing of bragging that they did not have sexual relations which would distract them. Paul confronted this straight forward with some wonderful instructions for sex within the marriage.

Homework:

The assignment here has always been what I give every couple who requests help in the area of sexual relations. The assignment is to have sex every night for one month.

Now bear with me. There is reasoning here. Some have neglected this area so that they have forgotten God's gift and design in it. You see the man actually needs sex to relax and reduce stress levels physically. The woman needs the relationship to feel needed and intimate. So, with no excuses the month helps with getting back to the original plan.